Rough few weeks

Check me out, updating just a day after the previous post. I must be on the ball!

Felt like having a little rant over some stuff that's been going on, so here goes. As some of you may or may not know... I had some pretty major surgery about a month ago (I won't go into details). Anyhow the surgery itself went to plan as far as I know. I did encounter some issues with the anaesthetics (as is only to be expected with my grumpy lungs). This meant I had to spend a couple of nights in ITU. This is nothing major and is quite a common occurrence for me. Unfortunately I went on to have further issues when I was put on a PCA for pain control. I think the settings were too high and my body didn't like it. I subsequently started having hallucinations which were nothing short of terrifying. I genuinely believed I had died during the operation and was in some kind of limbo. I can not even begin to describe the terror I felt. In a last ditch attempt to 'survive' I made  a panicked called to Sean at 3am  (who was away on work in Belgium) who got in touch with my parents. They drove in at ridiculous O'clock and calmed me down. Once they'd arrived I promptly relaxed and fell asleep. Only to wake up hours later feeling completely 'with it' and embarrassed about the previous nights drama. I was worried I was losing it, but all the doctors and nurses said that it's a common problem with Patient Controlled Analgesia and the concoction of drugs that are in the syringe driver can cause all sorts of horrors to feel like reality. Phew - still got my wits about me for a while yet then!

I stayed in for a few more days. And though I didn't really feel up to being discharged (still struggling with breathlessness and requiring oxygen and strong pain relief), I went home on the surgeons advice.. He was keen for me not to risk developing any more chest infections or hospital bugs. Plus I have oxygen at home so that wasn't insurmountable.

2 days later I still wasn't feeling any better. I saw my GP who I assumed would probably give me some antibiotics for what felt like a chest infection and advise the usual increase in steroids and nebs. But instead she saw my sats were 84% (I wasn't aware they were quite that low) and my racing pulse, and sent me to hospital for bloods and x rays. Turned out my bloods came back pos+ for a clot which didn't guarantee I had one but at the same time didn't rule it out. So it required further investigation. I'd only packed enough for one night as I didn't predict any of this would unfold. But the next day I went for a CT of my chest and a Doppler (ultrasound of the blood flow) of my leg. These, together detected a large clot in my right iliac vein and a pulmonary embolus in my lung (the cause of all the breathlessness and low oxygen levels!). To cut a long story short I spent the week in hospital being dosed with warfarin and Denzaparin and trying to get my breathlessness under control. I finally came home on injections in my belly (which took some getting used to!).

I've been going to Co-agulation clinic to get my blood tested weekly. Thankfully my local clinic measures it with a finger prick test so I don't have to have a million butchered attempts at drawing it from my non existent veins. All's been going well and I'm getting used to the new routine. That was, until a few days ago when then breathlessness and pain started up again. I held off on seeking advice as didn't need any more hassle from it all to be honest and as ever assumed things were 'probably fine' and I was just over thinking it. But when they tested my blood this morning at clinic, it was the thickest it's been yet. I mentioned in passing that the pain had started again. And she immediately made an appointment for me to see the GP today (hmph... Grrrr!). So off I trundled. And low and behold, the GP sent me into hospital for more tests for further clotting. So after 7 hours in the acute medical unit, I've finally escaped with another 10 days of jabs in the belly to break down another PE in my lung. I'm just glad that I didn't have to stay in all honesty.

I won't lie, I'm pissed off. I can handle my other health issues. I know when things aren't right and can generally taper my own medication to what's needed day to day. And I know if something's really not right that  I can go into hospital for IVs etc. But this clotting issue is an unknown entity for me that I'm really not comfortable with. My body doesn't tell me when to worry and when not to with this. I guess I'm still learning to read the signals.  I don't want to be on lifelong warfarin and injections. Nor does anyone. I shouldn't complain, diabetics inject every day and don't moan. I just need time to adjust I guess.

Anyway... Here's to the next 10 days of a bruised belly and no cranberry juice, grapefruit or alcohol (none of which are allowed in this regime). Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading! 

In lighter news, I am now the proud owner of some very cool slippers :)

The Never Ending Bucket List

So this week I've had a heck of a lot of time on my hands. And aside from repeatedly trying to the best of my ability to get my flat in pristine shape, I've been thinking a lot about what lies ahead for me. I've lots of aspirations and dreams for the next few years, and I thought I'd write them down in a list. A) because it stops them all swimming around in my head in no semblance of order and B) because I think a tick list is the only way I'm going to get any of it done. As any of you that know me will know, I do love a list. I love order and structure in my life and to go with it, I am a stationary fiend. I literally can't get enough of it. So armed with my new notepad I have been compiling said list; 

Things to do/achieve/experience before in 35...

• Be able to walk a good distance without crutches

• Re-establish my career in Radiography (very dependent on bullet point 1)

• Have a successful, profitable business of my own

• See Australia and NZ

• Get engaged to the man I love

• Then, get married 

• Have a gospel choir sing at my wedding 

• Look in the mirror and be happy with what I see

• Change someone else's life for the better 

• Get 100 people to join the Organ donor register 

• Buy a house

• Have children 

• Learn how to use an SLR camera

• Learn to use Excel (I don't do numbers)

• Read the classics

• Get my lung function to a 'normal range'

• Put liquid eyeliner on without stabbing myself in the eye!

• Wear high heels out again, and keep them on ALL night

• Learn to quilt
- Go to the Commonwealth Games 2014

So there it is, my little list that will no doubt continue to get bigger!! Now where to begin ......?

Ill leave you with something I saw this week that I thought was kinda accurate :)...

East Surrey Admission, Scones, and Pseudomonas

East Surrey Admissions

My admission to East Surrey came as a bit of a blow. I'd been really well for a few months and it came out of the blue. I hadn't had a cold or chest infection.. so I wasn't really sure what was going on. Our visit to A&E was much more sedate thankfully. With a bit of encouragement from Sean I went before it got too bad (I always put it off in the vein hope I'll miraculously recover), and am glad to say that it was a sensible thing to do. It meant I turned up conscious anyway ha ha. Believe it or not that's not always the case. I avoided having a piece of metal drilled into my shin this time - which is always a bit of a Brucey bonus. Thankfully they did the logical thing and whacked a central line in (not before butchering my arms with a dozen or so needles). Which I have to say was a godsend. I spent a few days on a clinical decision ward, where I seemingly was completely forgotten about. And it wasn't until Sean nagged them relentlessly that they actually realized and saw that I'd slipped through the net. That same afternoon I was moved to the chest ward - funny that!
I was there for a good few days, nothing had really changed, I was no worse but no better. But not being able to even get to the bathroom on your own for lack of the ability to breathe does become somewhat of a pain in the A after a while. Anywho it all came to a head in an almighty crash I had. They took their sweet time to get a doctor to me when I was telling them, so the inevitable happened and it became a drama when they couldn't get my breathing under control. Unfortunately this happened in the small hours of the morning. They called my parents and Sean to brief them on the situation - at which point I was blissfully unconscious and in respiratory arrest. Sean was told to come as soon as possible as I was basically half dead. Bless him when he arrived he just saw a load of nurses and doctors stood by the desk with their heads down looking very solemn, he said his heart literally sank and he thought he hadn't made it in time. I'm glad to say and as you can see - I did survive, its just they had had to intervene with intensive care doctors and ventilation. As always I'm very glad not to have remembered the event itself and am just relieved that this is becoming a less common occurrence for me. Though (without being morbid) I cant help wondering just how many more of these respiratory events and interventions my body can take? I think I've more than tripled the standard 9 lives of a cat already. It turned out I was growing pseudomonas, which hadn't been detected and so I wasn't on the necessary treatments for it. Anyway, after another week or so I managed to talk my way to getting a discharge home... and now it all seems but a distant memory :)  

I got kinda down during that admission. Sean and my parents were a massive support. But I felt kind of abandoned by everyone else. My friend Emma worked all day, then drove a goof 60 miles in the evening to see me. That really perked me up. She's always a star, and she brought scones and clotted cream - winning!! 

ouch!

Emma and Scones

New Years Joy

Hi all

 

Well here we are on the eve of 2013. I'm sure many of you will be expecting me to write a miserable rant about how crappy 2012 has been and show little hope that things will ever improve (as in previous such blogs). I may just surprise you for a change...

 

2012 has truly been the positive year for me. For so many years previously, things have been what I deemed 'unbearably bad'. I struggled terribly with poor health, which saw me spend more time in a hospital bed than in my own. As such I went on to suffer severe depression that seemed to have no let up. Many a day was spent laying in bed unable to think, unable to process even the most basic of tasks. Everything seemed unachievable. I had managed  (I don't know how) to lose the ability to even think about tomorrow, let alone be optimistic about it. As such all my mind was filled with were ways that I could end the misery I was living. After enduring this for a good 8 years, I never invisaged a day when things wouldn't be like this. A  day when I wouldn't just spend every second 'surviving', instead of 'living'. And all the while I did maintain one thing, the ability to pretend everything was 'ok' to my friends and extended family. My nearest and dearest of course knew what I was going through but no one else did. I would literally say goodnight to people, close the door bearing my perfected faux smile and break down. I would cry and whail uncontrollably all night. Always imaginging how much easier it would be if I were just to cease to exist. The reason I am telling you all this, is not because I wish to harp on about how naff my life 'is' and what I am 'enduring' but quite the contrary. I'm telling you all this to show you how naff my life 'was' and how much I 'endured' but no longer 'endure'.

 

This year, quite out of the blue my life changed. I don't have great health, I am still very much the same health wise. Infact my joints are so ravaged now I can barely walk the length of my street. And despite this, despite a lot of things that have worsened from a health perspective.... I am inexplicably happy. That's right, you heard me, Gemma say that I am 'inexplicably happy'. Life appears to have thrown me not one but many trump cards. I have so much to be hopeful for.

 

Not least, this year I have met my boyfriend. It sounds like the most basic of things to expect from a partner... but Sean has genuinely been a major driving force behind me developing my self esteem. a few years ago I felt like I had something to offer the world. I felt bright and intuitive. I felt good at my job, and felt like I was really making a difference. All that was lost when I had to give up work. After a long period of feeling surplus to requirement and with no real place in society, Sean has shown me that I still have it in me. He has been the initiative behind starting Lamtons Ltd and has given me a lot of responsibility. Never questioning whether I should 'do it this way', or 'let him check first'. He just tells me to get on with it and encourages me to trust my own decisions. To most of you, just 'getting on with it' probably sounds like no great achievement. But for me to trust myself, to know that I have a crucial role in this has been life changing. I wake up every day now and know I am needed. I know there is a reason to get out of bed. 

 

And I can't forget to mention another big reason that this year has been great... I got to fulful the number one thing on my Bucket list, going to an Olympics!! There are no words to describe how happy it made me to fulfull this dream. I wrote a blog about it at the time so wont re-live it all for you but it was simply magnificient :)

 

We have just spent our first Christmas together and it's been great. I've never woken up anywhere on Christmas morning that isn't my parents house. It was a really strange for me. But we got to see Sean's mum that morning and then went onto my parents for lunch and the afternoon. It was a great day and the house hopping continued until after boxing day. We went to see Sean's sisters and their partners and kids. Kids definately make Christmas. Loved seeing them rip open their presents and the excitement on their faces.

 

 

 

My brother and his wife were back from Cambodia and so we were all really excited to have them home. His wife Vanna is here for her first UK winter. I think it was a shock to the system after coming from a country that rarely sees tempertaures drop below 30 degrees C and when it does they all get the woolies out. But she seems to be loving seeing all the lights and trees etc. She tasted her first parsnip and first brussel sprout at the table for Christmas dinner. Sprouts were a miss, parsnips were a hit. We also went to winter wonderland yesterday with her and I dont know how she felt about it all but it was a bit of an assault on the senses from my perspective. So loud, so crowded. It was insaine. I dont think I'd go back.

 

 

 

This year is mission 'save every penny'. We hope to be in our own home by next Christmas. It means being boring sods all year and not going out much, or buying any more Costa Coffee (booo!) but it'll be worth it if we can be in our own place. Just can't wait to be somewhere that we can call home, and decorate it exactly as we please. Theres only so many magnolia walls one person can take (my flat) before you go stir crazy.

 

So we are both very excited for the coming year. We have a great deal to look forward to, more than I can write down in this blog. And as such a great deal to be thankful for. I am finally seeing life for the rich tapestry that it is. No more tears, no more time spent wishing my life away. It's time to start living. Happy and Healthy new year to you all xx

 

 

Transplant Week, Businesses and Psychic Mediums

It's been great this Transplant Week to see so many people promoting the cause. On facebook loads of people have been changing their profile pictures to show the poster and logo which is great. I've been sending some links around and doing my bit too. Though I would always like to do more. It's just difficult to know where to start and the issue of Transplant is a very grey area. Of course some religions are aposed to it and lots of people are aposed for completely personal reasons (the thought of 'not dying whole' or 'without ones eyes' being seen as the soul by many). It therefore can be difficult to find a line between gently encouraging people to consider signing the register and seeming pushy by relentlessly tweeting and facebooking about it. It's such a personal choice and evokes a lot of emotion  - tricky stuff.

What's been being posted in aid of Transplant week :)

I was really excited to see my friend Tor Tremlett appaearing on Lorraine Kelly's breakfast show this morning. She was dead nervous but she did so well. You would never have been able to tell how scared she was. She was looking so well, great to see the change from where she was last year. In fact if it weren't for Tor's generous donor I would most likely never have been able to speak to her as we only got to speaking post transplant. Well done Tor, great work - keep it up :)

 

As for me, it's all been pretty good going for a couple of weeks. I've been a busy bee as myself and my partner are in the midst of setting up a business at the moment. This is something I would never have been brave enough to do on my own. It's all very exciting and the website will be coming soon so I will direct my readers to it for a cheeky butchers when its launched :P. We plan to sell products for cake decoration so we have been onto to stockists and all sorts. So much to sort out. We are slowly but surely getting there though. 

On a spooky note, I was at a wedding the other day.. and who was I sat next to at dinner?? A 'psychic medium'. Usually I'm sceptical to say the least and not sure whether to believe it or think it's all a load of rubbish, preying on people who are in a vulnerable emotional state etc. But... I may have been convinced!! She introduced herself and we were just chatting casually. I felt like I'd known this woman my whole life, like she was my best friend. Something I can't describe. She turned to me (whilst I had a mouthful of chicken roulade :S) and just said something that really freaked me out. She told me 'not to worry' that I would 'have another couple of really rough years but then things would seem a lot different'. And that she had 'seen my first born so I could stop worrying about whether my health would stop me having kids'. How did this woman know this!?!? She didn't know I had health problems or that I had these worries, she'd never met me before. And I had never told anyone that before. Weird. There was loads of stuff she said and I literally open mouthed, jaw on the floor shocked at how accurate this woman was. It made me feel all warm inside, like there is hope after all. I know loads of people would think I was nuts for believing it but if you knew some of the other stuff this lady told me you would also be stunned. Fingers x'd she's right.. 2 more years to go... then its all plain sailing.